Missing Memories

newbornYesterday afternoon I had the honor of capturing newborn pictures of a young couple and their beautiful baby boy.  He had only been born a few hours before and was wide eyed ready to see the world.  It’s always a very intimate moment being in the hospital room after a new mom has given birth.  You get to share in their story, hear their excitement as they relive this miraculous event.  For them to welcome me there to help capture that time is always a privilege.  I left feeling accomplished…but had a tugging feeling that I couldn’t shake.  I got in my car and started replaying in my head how the shoot went.  Making sure I didn’t miss something.  Then it hit me….HARD.  As I was experiencing this great time in this families life, I realized how much I missed out on our Jana’s.  Was someone there to snuggle with her in her first few hours?  Was she scared as she opened her eyes to this great new world?  Did someone capture her tiny little features, fresh from the womb?  Its so difficult for me to imagine her there in a hospital, without me right by her side.  I have stories for each of the kids births, I could replay them all moment by moment.  I wish so desperately I had that with our Jana.  That I was there to see her beautiful little face as she entered the world.  That I held her as she softly cried her first cry.  That I was the one who was up all night, nervously checking on her nonstop.  But I wasn’t and no matter how much I wish and pray, that could never change.

That’s the pain they don’t tell you about adoption.  You are this child parent!  No one else in the world loves them as much as you do.  However, there is a huge part of their life, that you just were not part of.  Juan tells me I can’t focus on what I missed and remember that she’s mine now.  Trust me, there is not a moment that goes by that I am not deeply grateful for our baby girl.  However, I think I will always carry a slight bit of sadness for all those moment I missed.

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