Its been a while since I’ve posted. Jana is doing amazing!! Crawling like crazy now and making my days even more interesting 🙂 Currently she is battling a small cold that we are hoping goes away very quickly. She is getting stronger and even more amazing each day!
Today I wanted to open up a little. For as long as I can remember, I have never been more confident and comfortable than when I am behind a camera. When I have a camera in my hands, I feel at peace and stress free regardless of my environment. I’ve worked at studios, ran a studio from our garage, taken pictures in fields and been a part of some beautiful weddings. It has always been a side job and not a full time job the way I’ve dreamed about, until recently. I have an opportunity to open my own photo studio. I will be able to run it the way I want it ran, hours will be set by me and I will be able to capture the images I dream about, every single day! To most people this is a perfect dream come true! To me, it has been terrifying!! Don’t get me wrong, I am so excited at this possibility, but so many fears come along with it. Funny thing is, all the financial responsibilities, stress of running a business, all the planning, none of those things scare me as much as having a dream that doesn’t revolve around Jana.
For the past 16 months, my entire life has revolved around Jana. I am with her almost 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. I can probably count how many times we’ve been apart! I’ve devoted my life to her, to being the best mama and support she could have. My other kiddos are older and honestly just don’t really need me as much as she does. And that’s great!! That’s how it is suppose to be. But Jana will always be different. How can I pursue something that she might never have a part of? I feel selfish, I feel regret for the time I already know I’ll be away, I feel fear that I wont be there when she needs me.
Last night Juan and I talked about this. I told him, I have no right to chase my dreams, when she needs me. Juan’s response was, “she might never stop needing you and your support, But that’s ok…it doesn’t mean that your dreams need to stop because of her.” I know he want’s me to do this…he believes in me more than anyone else. But I wasn’t sure if he really got it. Then today he sent me this: My Reason To Dream It’s a blog post dealing with almost the exact same situation I am in. This mama has a beautiful little boy named Jude. She is a mama of a special needs child, just like I am. For the past 2 1/2 years, she has put her life on hold as well to be there for her boy. Now, she is, like me, is scared to start pursuing her dreams. Turns out there are a ton of mamas out there feeling the exact same way! All their dreams are different, but the fear is the same, what if our babies need us!? Having a special needs child is so much different that having a typical one. Anything can go wrong, anything can happen! What if me pursing my dream takes away time with her and she doesn’t reach her goals and mile stones like we have planned? What if me being away holds her back from reaching her dreams?!
Juan tells me that me doing this will open doors for Jana in the future. She knows how much I love the camera, since I have one in her face basically every day lol. I do want her to see that dreams can come true. That with work, patience and perseverance, she can do whatever it is she dreams to do. I want to be that example for her, to be the fighter that she is teaching me to be. Jana has showed me that when things are hard, you just keep going! You push more and more, and rely on the others around to help us out. She is my motivation to be better!
So where do I go from here? Do I allow myself this selfish venture? Do I chase after my dream…where the possibilities are still unknown? I think I am starting to learn that as a mother of a special needs child, my dreams will always be a part of hers.